Contained Chaos
I think you're a jerk but I'm not going to say so
Abby Ciampa
Issue date: 1/31/08 Section: Opinion
It's funny how afraid people are of confrontation, especially considering how aggressive people are in less personal settings. I know I'm a prime example. I will do anything to avoid directly telling someone I'm upset with them. I'd rather be a doormat and go with the flow, kicking myself all the while, than address a problem.
Why do we have this tendency? I say we, not I, because I see this trait in all people, even those who claim to be pro-honesty. Is it fear? And if so, fear of what? Of upsetting a friend? Of appearing to be mean? Or worse, of inspiring others to point out our shortcomings?
The real issue is not the reason behind our fear of confrontation. Is this fear even a bad thing? It's popular to associate fear with negativity. We fear fire and lightning because it's dangerous, we fear school and work because it's important, we fear commitment because of the huge weight of responsibility. Is the term "fear" being used in these arenas as a substitute for forced respect? Does this also apply to personal critique?
I believe the answer to both questions is yes. I said before that we don't like to make personal attacks for fear of upsetting friends or appearing mean. The fear here, is a selfless kind. Out of respect and care each other, we dislike the idea of causing harm.
Being able to make your feelings known is still a vital tool for good communication. We should not allow ourselves to be doormats, especially when there is no reward.
But the ability to present concerns tastefully should not be discredited, nor should the ability to sense when a criticism is necessary and when it isn't. For example, I think person X plays out of tune. When it comes to performing together, I'll have to let the person know in order to promote our joint cause.
When said person is doing their own thing? I'd say that letting X feel good about what they're doing is more important than letting X know what's on my mind at all times. Similarly, I vehemently disagree with Person Y's views on relationships. But I'm not in a relationship with Y, and no one I know is in immediate danger because of Y, so I have two choices: hold my tongue, in this situation, where it's safe and reasonable to do so, and keep Y as a pleasant acquaintance, or speak exactly how I feel in the name of Honesty, and risk hurting Y. Quite simply, should I let it go or say something and increase the overall amount of stress and unpleasantness in the atmosphere?
Maybe I'm unnecessarily passive, and maybe it'll bite me in the ass one day and I'll be forced to eat my words. But right now, this method is working for me. I don't write this column because I know everything. It's just my opinion.
aciampa@capital.edu
Why do we have this tendency? I say we, not I, because I see this trait in all people, even those who claim to be pro-honesty. Is it fear? And if so, fear of what? Of upsetting a friend? Of appearing to be mean? Or worse, of inspiring others to point out our shortcomings?
The real issue is not the reason behind our fear of confrontation. Is this fear even a bad thing? It's popular to associate fear with negativity. We fear fire and lightning because it's dangerous, we fear school and work because it's important, we fear commitment because of the huge weight of responsibility. Is the term "fear" being used in these arenas as a substitute for forced respect? Does this also apply to personal critique?
I believe the answer to both questions is yes. I said before that we don't like to make personal attacks for fear of upsetting friends or appearing mean. The fear here, is a selfless kind. Out of respect and care each other, we dislike the idea of causing harm.
Being able to make your feelings known is still a vital tool for good communication. We should not allow ourselves to be doormats, especially when there is no reward.
But the ability to present concerns tastefully should not be discredited, nor should the ability to sense when a criticism is necessary and when it isn't. For example, I think person X plays out of tune. When it comes to performing together, I'll have to let the person know in order to promote our joint cause.
When said person is doing their own thing? I'd say that letting X feel good about what they're doing is more important than letting X know what's on my mind at all times. Similarly, I vehemently disagree with Person Y's views on relationships. But I'm not in a relationship with Y, and no one I know is in immediate danger because of Y, so I have two choices: hold my tongue, in this situation, where it's safe and reasonable to do so, and keep Y as a pleasant acquaintance, or speak exactly how I feel in the name of Honesty, and risk hurting Y. Quite simply, should I let it go or say something and increase the overall amount of stress and unpleasantness in the atmosphere?
Maybe I'm unnecessarily passive, and maybe it'll bite me in the ass one day and I'll be forced to eat my words. But right now, this method is working for me. I don't write this column because I know everything. It's just my opinion.
aciampa@capital.edu
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