Gettin' Down With Don
The final countdown
Don Seipel
Issue date: 4/23/09 Section: Lifestyles
You hold in your hands at this moment the final Chimes of the year. I am a senior. This is, therefore, the last column I will ever write for the Chimes.
I am grateful for the opportunity to write for the Chimes, largely because it stroked my already over-inflated ego. You really like me, or at least you enjoy the way I write. Thanks.
Since my first column almost two years ago, I have tried to return the favor by offering advice to my readers. I hope that something I wrote managed to help someone.
I still feel that two years of service is not enough. I worry about my readers, and I wonder what they'll do when I'm gone.
The time has come for me to pass the torch [see Chris Maggio's first column below].
As a service to my readers, to any aspiring columnists, and to the newspaper that has been so good to me, I offer the secrets to writing a column.
Don't respond to criticisms or complaints.
When someone says you're not doing a very good job, it's because they are jealous of your success and hope that you'll mention them in a future column.
If you patronize one angry voice, you will soon hear dozens more. Never let a few whiners grow into a lynch mob.
Always have a moral.
All your columns should come to a tidy conclusion that not only completes your story but informs the readers how they should react to it. Leaving your writing open to questions just makes you look weak.
Talk about your personal life as much as possible.
You should try to mention your boyfriend or girlfriend in everything you write. There is nothing readers love more than hearing about you.
Relate everything you say to current events and popular culture.
If you don't make references to the newest and hippest trends, people won't understand how cool you are.
Feel free to dredge up not-so-current events.
Napoleon Dynamite is still a funny movie, and Britney Spears being crazy will never get old. These are classics that you can depend on.
I am grateful for the opportunity to write for the Chimes, largely because it stroked my already over-inflated ego. You really like me, or at least you enjoy the way I write. Thanks.
Since my first column almost two years ago, I have tried to return the favor by offering advice to my readers. I hope that something I wrote managed to help someone.
I still feel that two years of service is not enough. I worry about my readers, and I wonder what they'll do when I'm gone.
The time has come for me to pass the torch [see Chris Maggio's first column below].
As a service to my readers, to any aspiring columnists, and to the newspaper that has been so good to me, I offer the secrets to writing a column.
Don't respond to criticisms or complaints.
When someone says you're not doing a very good job, it's because they are jealous of your success and hope that you'll mention them in a future column.
If you patronize one angry voice, you will soon hear dozens more. Never let a few whiners grow into a lynch mob.
Always have a moral.
All your columns should come to a tidy conclusion that not only completes your story but informs the readers how they should react to it. Leaving your writing open to questions just makes you look weak.
Talk about your personal life as much as possible.
You should try to mention your boyfriend or girlfriend in everything you write. There is nothing readers love more than hearing about you.
Relate everything you say to current events and popular culture.
If you don't make references to the newest and hippest trends, people won't understand how cool you are.
Feel free to dredge up not-so-current events.
Napoleon Dynamite is still a funny movie, and Britney Spears being crazy will never get old. These are classics that you can depend on.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Cleveland Movers
posted 6/01/09 @ 1:33 PM EST
Good job on an amusing final article. Good luck to you in the future!
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